Dear Fellow Traveler,
Thank you for inquiring about this very important topic. Somehow we all know that we should be more forgiving. We sense that it is not a noble thing to harbor a grudge. We also sense that our unforgiveness is harming us.
We sense that it is coloring our life negatively.
Moreover, we also begin to sense that not only does unforgiveness affect our mood and negatively color our existence, it also affects our health. Someone once told me that when she is stressed, she feels her aches and pains more. We all know that reacting to stress affects our immune system.
Well, guess what! Unforgiveness is a stress. Or to put it another way, our unforgiveness makes what we are unforgiving toward a stress. How did you react the last time you got some really bad news? Did it affect your day, your mood, how you felt? I bet it did.
Well, when you harbor unforgiveness toward someone or something--every time you encounter them or every time you even think of them, your body reacts to the presence of something that you have permitted to upset you. Resentment (which is what unforgiveness basically is) also sensitizes us to stress. In other words, we become more stress sensitive, more touchy and irritable.
It gets worse. Because of the negative consequences of unforgiveness to our mood, health, feelings, and self image: whenever we are reminded of what or who we resent, we then resent them anew because of the effect they have on us. So now there are two resentments. One of the person for whatever they did (or when think they did). And two, a resentment for the effect that they are having on our present well being.
It gets even worse. And because you are the type of person who is unforgiving, you will, of course, also resent yourself for allowing yourself to be upset.
So now it becomes a self perpetuating cycle. Resentment leads to resentment. And when we see the effects, we resent them. When we become aware of our feeling, we resent the feeling. We struggle with it, and finally, we resent our own self.
What is it that keeps the unforgiveness alive? It is resentment. Resentment reinforces the judgment and the unforgiveness in the now present. Each time something occurs that reminds us of what we have a grudge or unforgiveness toward, we make the mistake of resenting it anew.
Bear in mind that once the cycle starts, it doesn't matter what you resent. Any resentment--another person, a situation, an object, yourself, or even awareness itself--reinforces the negative traumatic memory and keeps it alive.
A memory is one thing. Resenting the memory is another. Were the memory to surface, and you stood back and observed it from the neutral zone, it would lose its base and quickly diminish.
What is needed is a change of mind about unforgiveness and resentment. Earlier in our life, we resented others, beginning with our parents. Resentment means "to feel again." First there is the idea, then the feeling, then dwelling on the feeling in a way that we re-experience it.
So first there is the judgment--where we were tempted to take umbrage at someone. By chewing the cud, so to speak, in other words dwelling on the memory and intensifying it with resentment, we could experience in our body the sensation of judgment, of being hard done by, of being treated unfairly. In other words, our perverse ego actually takes pleasure in wallowing in, indulging, and reveling in feelings of judgment and pain. By judging another or by feeling hurt, the ego continues to reinforce pride and a sense of its own goodness.
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In fact, many people eventually wallow in self hatred. They judge their own self (thereby trying to rise above conscience which makes them aware of their own wrong). By judging, the ego can rise above the wrong, and the feel self loathing, self pity, and so on.
So you see, what begins as a judgment and resentment can become a way of life: of dwelling on the past and wallowing in self pity. What you have to see is that this is a foolish game, one that leads to self destruction.
We thought we had the right to resent. We wanted to milk the injustice for all it was worth. But this game made us sensitive. It also separated us from our own ground of good. Separated from the inner life from God, we feel empty. And in fact we were. Thus we became an empty ego, hurting and in need of comfort.
Instead of standing back and realizing our own wrong for hating, we looked for comfort for our resentful self. We may have turned to food, drugs, drink, or other pleasures to fill the emptiness and assure us.
Resentment and emptiness made the pleasure feel better. But before long, hating and then feeding our emptiness with something became a way of life.
But this is not a human way to live. Instead we should go the other way: back to innocence, back to patience, back to freedom from hate, back to the good graces of our Creator.
If you are ready to begin to drop your grudges, then may I recommend that you try the meditation that we offer here. An introductory version of it is free with no strings attached.
